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From Mensagenda - March 2003
Is This Boring You?
by Tim Goetsch
I’ve learned over the years that there is
one sure way to avoid boring people: Keep
your mouth shut. Works every time. You
see, instead of actually boring people, they
only think you’re boring. “He doesn’t
have anything to say, he must be boring,”
they think. But if a third party asks, “What
has he done that’s so boring?” then the
party of the second part is stuck for an
answer, because you never really did anything.
So there.
Like all advice, however, it’s easier said
than done. Recently I’ve been telling people
the joys of my new hobby, whistle collecting.
Yessir, I tell them about the different
types of whistles, where you can get them,
about how I know how to make a whistle
so that I can add to my collection without
spending money, and about two minutes
into this conversation the other person
changes the subject. This isn’t a gentle mycollege-
roommate-used-to-whistle-whenhe-
slept kind of subject changing, either.
This is a hard-left-turn-tires-spinninggravel-
spraying-cops-hot-on-your-tail
kind of change. “Speaking of whistles, my
401K really tanked last year.”
So. Oh, well. I have a boring hobby. So
what? I like it. I can’t share it with others,
but it’s not a sharing kind of hobby anyway.
“Here, blow this” is not a great way
to start a friendship, even though you may
have heard different.
Fortunately, I’m a Minnesotan, born
and bred. We’re supposed to be boring. It’s
no surprise that we have the lowest incarceration
rate in the country. For us, whooping
it up means raising your voice above a
whisper. It’s not like this in Hollywood.
There you can rob, cheat, kill, even dangle
kids off balconies, and the world is your
oyster. But just bore someone and they
run you out of town. Once I was listening
to an actor talk about his recovery from
alcoholism. He started on the road to sobriety
one day when his wife gave him a
bored look. Heavens! Never mind that he
was ruining his life and the lives of those
around him. He just didn’t want to bore
anyone. And this was one of the Hollywood
nice guys. If he was a mean drunk,
he would still be a drunk, because mean
drunks don’t bore people.
Still, you like to make a good impression.
Just standing there and saying nothing
only goes so far. How do I make myself
more interesting? Write what you know,
they say, and last month I wrote about
television. That’s a sure sign I’m in a rut,
and once in a rut, it’s hard to get out. (The
animated action-adventure comedy Kim
Possible, on ABC and the Disney Channel,
is a real hoot. Great quote: A villain’s son
sends Kim a bouquet and a love note: “I
count the hours until my father’s criminal
activities bring us near again.”)
Perhaps it’s time to turn to something
that has always helped me in the past,
finding a new hobby. Of course, that’s
how I got into this mess in the first place,
but never mind that. This time I’ll choose
the hobby rather than having the hobby
choose me. Maybe I’ll take up shoplifting.
Or I could get a dog. How about going to
the park and shoplifting a dog? Yes,
multitasking is very popular these days.
And it would make for a great conversation
afterwards. That’s definitely going on
the list of possibilities.
But you should think carefully before
contemplating any lifestyle change, especially
if that change might involve charges
of grand theft dog. After all, the news is
filled with people who live lives that are
way too interesting. So what’s wrong
with being boring? As Kim Possible would
say, it’s no big.
Did I just quote a cartoon character
again? What’s next, the Gospel according
to Spongebob? Well, whichever way you
cut it, I still have to get out more. I understand
the dog park is very entertaining. I
have a whistle that I think will be well
received there.
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