1. Move into an old garage, warehouse, or factory, preferably
one with holes in the walls and roof.
2. Surround the garage with 8’ dirt berms, 3-strand barbed
wire, two trenches, and demand ID from passersby.
3. Sleep on a cot with all your possessions in four duffle
bags, two trunks, one pack, and a carry-on bag.
4. At various times during the night have someone shine a
light in your eyes and say, "Uh, sorry, wrong cot."
5. Hang a green plastic sheet over the shower, move the
shower head to chest level, and block the drain.
6. Soap up, shift to freezing cold water after 1.5 minutes,
and shut off all water at 2.5 minutes.
7. Dress in the dark; wear sand-colored clothing, 68 lbs. of
body armor, an assault rifle, and 210 rifle rounds.
8. Dehumidify the air to 13 percent, fire up the humidifier
with 2 percent diesel fuel for the right atmosphere.
9. Do laundry at 0200 hrs., pull the plug on the dryer when
halfway done.
10. Soak all clothing in insecticide — repeat as required.
11. Use a port-a-john for three weeks in a row, use a real
commode once, then back to the port-a-john.
12. Keep your own roll of toilet paper on you at all times
(hidden if not on your person!).
13. At various times and places, have "someone"
shoot at you with a high powered rifle.
14. Place phone calls from a trailer surrounded by concrete
barriers, ¾ mile from your area.
15. Use Internet in a room with 50 other people — overload
the server seven times in 30 minutes.
16. Have a "kill switch" take Internet and phones
off-line every time someone is injured within 50 miles.
17. Have "someone" set off explosions at random
times on a nearby runway or highway.
18. Sandbag the floor of your pickup truck, remove all side
& back glass, replace with 1/8" mild steel.
19. Check oil, coolant, tires, all emergency equipment, spare
fuel can, water can, rations, every time you drive.
20. While traveling, carry an semi-automatic rifle pointing
through a hole in the windscreen — never travel alone!
21. Always carry a towbar, tow-chains, and tool kits
"just in case" — know how to attach a tow-chain in 30 seconds.
22. Stop at random underpasses, overpasses, culverts, and
bridges — check for explosive charges.
23. When another vehicle comes within 25 meters, point your
rifle at the driver — within 10 meters, shoot the driver.
24. Drink milk warm, drink coffee cold, repeat the menu every
14 days, use the hot sauce.
25. Learn to love MREs (especially ones with M & Ms).
26. Have "someone" blow up the highway while you’re
driving past.
27. Dig trenches every 200 feet: 4’ deep, 4’ wide, 24’
long.
28. Cover the trenches with 8x8 timbers, 24" of sand and
sit in them for 30 minutes daily — vary the timing.
29. Make the kids check, clear, and safe all water pistols,
Super Soakers, etc., in a sand-filled drum prior to entering the garage.
30. Burn all return addresses on mail so no one can
back-trace your family.
31. For anything you really need, submit a Form 9, wait 30
days, cancel it out, request it again, justify the request, issue after 60 days.
32. E-mail whoever has your checkbook to buy what you need at
Walmart/FleetFarm/Ace Hardware; have it mailed "PRIORITY" to you.
33. Drive 150–250 miles daily to deliver food, water, mail,
parts, and ammunition to someone living just like you.
34. Write yourself a "Dear John" letter —
remember to tell yourself that you want to remain "friends."
35. Trust someone living like you, laughing with you, crying
with you, with your life every day.
When you’ve spent 12 months doing all the above, prepare to
move back into the house, greet your family and friends, have a party, and
retire. Then send yourself a letter announcing that the National Guard may be
re-activating or retaining "selected retired personnel" for further
deployment to Iraq.
