| |
|
July Links
General Info
Member Info
|
|  |
From Mensagenda - November 2001
Gifted Kids
Deborah L. Ruf, Ph.D.
Debora Ruf is an educational
psychologist.
The Do's and Don'ts for
Raising Your Gifted Kids
Parents
have usually reached the "We're desperate!" stage by the time they seek out
a person to help them with their gifted child. In fact, although all
the background information on IQ scores, gifted programs, and affective
needs is nice, what parents really want is to stanch the bleeding.
Their formerly bright-eyed, bushy-tailed preschooler has lost the spark,
turned sullen, or, worse, hates school. Different but often equally
troubling, some kids actually make such a good adjustment to school that
they no longer seem to be learning anything new at all beyond "fitting in"
skills.
Many parents, like their own parents before them, figure that someone in the
schools will tell them if the child is gifted; therefore, if the parent is
the only one thinking something is amiss, some is probably wrong with the
parent (or the kid). Fortunately, sometimes the parent has enough
confidence and courage to persevere on behalf of the child despite all the
apparent odds. It is a good sign if you are a parent reading this
article. You have taken some important steps in learning what you can
about what ails your child, and about what you might do to make it better.
Here are some ideas to get you started.
Don't forget who's the child and who's the adult. Children need to
feel they are safe and protected. An adult who assumes that a gifted
child can make his own decisions about the best schooling or activities for
him, just because he's gifted, is giving two much power to the child.
This undermines the child's confidence in the adult. This puts too
much of a burden on the young person. It also undermines the authority
of the adult. It is curious to me that educators will often pose the
question, "Has anyone asked Melanie what she wants to do?" when acceleration
of other gifted options are being considered; but few would ask any children
their opinions on regular schooling. These decisions are up to the
adults who have experience, wisdom, and hindsight.
Do provide intellectual challenge in and out of school. Gifted
children learn to underachieve in the early grades. Accomplishing what
their classmates accomplish is done with no effort, no practice, and great
speed. Test anxiety, perfectionism, and fear of failure may all be
associated with this early conditioning and lack of challenge in school.
Give your child chances to be frustrated, to need to work hard, and to take
extra time to figure something out. Try to arrange this opportunity as
often as possible in the school setting.
Sometimes, however, "in the school setting" is not a quickly available
option. You might have to work around the schools when they are not
prepared to be collaborative with you and your child except on their own
terms. You can set up meaningful intellectual challenges during
nonschool times and during school times that do not meaningfully contribute
to any facet of your child's growth. Read on.
Don't over-schedule your gifted child; that is
not the same as providing challenge. Give your child exposure to many
different skills and activities that may uncover talent and passion in the
child. Give your child the freedom and opportunity to make choices
regarding clubs, activities, and extra-curriculars. Give your child
enough downtime to process, read for fun, vegetate, let ideas simmer.
Don't judge the value of your child's choices during the free and down times
(except for safety and health issues).
Rather than tacking activities onto her long school
day, consider giving your child regular school breaks for learning at her
own pace and depth at home, especially during early elementary grades when
she is reading at the fifth-grade level while her classmates are working on
beginning readers. Some kids would quickly zoom ahead in math if only
given the opportunity. Some schools will allow you to have your child
tutored, usually at your own additional expense, on school property during
the school day, but that is not common or completely comfortable to arrange.
The home school laws available in every state also enable you to part-time
home school. (You don't have to make an endless, daily, all the time
commitment to home school.) You can decide which times of the school
day are not contributing to your child's intellectual or emotional growth
and give your child challenging, meaningful experiences elsewhere during
those times. You can get all the information you need to get you
started on the Internet under "home school."
Don't focus the challenge on either your
child's strengths or weaknesses. Allow the child to really pursue her
highest interests and abilities. Help the child recognize which skills
and knowledge will be important for any normally functioning adult citizen.
In other words, help her to recognize the necessary "hoops." Then
believe it yourself and let go of total perfection. Remember, perfect
grades probably mean good "reading of the teacher" more than the quality of
the academic or intellectual learning that has taken place.
At the same time, there are virtually no career
opportunities that allow a person to circumvent the need for clear writing,
filling in forms (tax preparation, job applications), or doing simple math.
No excuses; these are examples of necessary "hoops." Gifted children,
however, just as with any other children, should be taught and accelerated
at their own readiness level and pace. A gifted child does not need
three to five years of elementary school to learn basic math facts. If
that is what is happening to your child, it is not a necessary "hoop," it is
a waste of time and will build in underachievement.
Do give compliments to your child for his
abilities and efforts. Gifted children need recognition for their
abilities from people whose opinions matter most to them just as much as
anyone else. Try to be particularly aware of when your child really
has put a great deal of effort or thought into something and needs
encouragement or positive feedback. If the child has a talent area
(art, music, games, anything), acknowledge it. Look for ways to help
the child know himself.
Don't hold your child up as an example for
siblings or other children to emulate, compete with, or follow. Each
person is unique and abilities affect interests and goals as much and often
more than effort. Comparisons might make your child tone down her
abilities so as not to feel freakish or disliked. Comparisons can put
other children in an untenable, unfair position.
Do demonstrate how to prioritize, schedule, and
let go. Gifted individuals discover early that they have many
interests and can get more done, wear more hats, than most other people.
Sometimes they get over-involved and can't decide how to lower their stress
and their commitments. Even gifted people need downtime and processing
time, so they must learn how to pick and choose carefully in order to allow
the time necessary for emotional growth and self-discovery. Help them
learn to recognize the difference between their own goals and someone
else's. Help them learn that some goals are necessary "hoops."
Do give your gifted child the same information
you have about her IQ and relative ability level. If you don't know
how to do this or don't feel comfortable, get professional help to prepare
yourself. Children who are within a normal, average range can
certainly handle that they "fit in " and are normal. Children who
differ from the norm and who therefore experience many things in life
differently for that reason need help in understanding why. I believe
the specifics can be shared by the time the child's mental age is about 12.
You can roughly estimate your child's mental age by recalling when your
child reached certain developmental milestones compared to those charts you
had on preschool behavior. Toys have an age range on the box, for
example. Did your child enjoy and do puzzles well earlier than the box
suggested? Don't think you can simply compare your child to the
children of friends. That can cause you to underestimate your child's
intellectual level. Remember, you and your friends are very likely
within similar intellectual ranges; that's part of how you found each other.
Just because your child isn't ahead of your friend's kids does not mean he's
not gifted! It's possible, and likely, that they both are gifted.
Don't worry that helping your gifted child know
himself (or herself) better will lead to a "big head," a know-it-all
attitude, or undue vanity. True giftedness that is understood by the
possessor leads to a more open understanding and acceptance of others (if it
has been explained well). The more intellectually gifted a person is,
the more likely the person will know how much he doesn't know yet.
Don't worry that the child will feel superior to you; children need to look
up to their parents and you are better equipped than you may realize.
Do enjoy this wonderful time in your life; have
fun. One of the hallmarks of giftedness is a sense of humor.
Other common traits are excellent vocabulary and high levels of
perceptivity. You and your gifted children have much in common.
As you get to know each other and grow together, take time to appreciate
what a gift you are to each other. No matter what your child's level
of giftedness or your school's level of support, you should be able to end
most days saying to yourself, "Wow! Am I ever lucky!"
|
|
