Unemployment Etiquette: A Guide for Employers, the Newly Unemployed, and Others by Victoria Monroe [Reprinted from Empire, newsletter of Central New York Mensa, January, 2004; Paul Baxter, Editor]

Like so many business and social situations, unemployment is one that calls for tact and discretion. Unlike other situations, your mother never taught you how to act with regard to unemployment, yours or others’.

Rules for Employers

If funding cuts put you in the position of having to take away someone’s livelihood, and very likely a source of pride and commitment, follow these simple rules.

Do not sugarcoat the act with wishy-washy revisionist terms such as "letting you go" or "downsizing."

Put it in writing. This should be short and to the point. The newly unemployed person will need this document. You can even set an apologetic tone and express appreciation for your erstwhile employee’s contributions. If you need help with such terms, consult a dictionary and/or thesaurus.

Know your employment policies. This is a good time to bone up on that Employee Policy Manual. It does not make scintillating reading, but the person you have sacked has probably read it to find out his or her rights and entitlements upon termination. Your failure to follow these policies or even to know them reflects badly on you. It also sends two important messages. One: You don’t care. (Heck, you probably don’t, but it is good form to pretend that you do. This is what etiquette is all about.) Two: You have no business being in charge of an ant farm, let alone people’s lives.

On the employee’s last day, try to find it in your schedule, if not in your heart, to set aside a few minutes to talk with the person you have sacked. I know; the last thing you want to do is be with someone who is probably righteously angry and disgusted with you, no matter how gracefully he or she has taken it up until now. Failing to make time for the about-to-be unemployed sends a clear message: You don’t care. Still, there are good reasons for pretending that you care.

Much as you might feel abandoned by the departure of the person you sacked, resist the urge to talk trash about that person with your employer buddies. Now free from the bother of deciding what to do with that pesky paycheck every two weeks, your ex-employee may or may not choose to spend that newfound free time and those dwindling financial resources pursuing legal action.

Do not call your ex-employee on the phone. Hard as it might be for you to imagine, he or she probably does not want to talk to you. Do not ask the answering machine why your ex-employee has not returned your calls. (Perhaps it is because he or she does not work for you anymore.) On the other hand, this does provide a lot of laughs at your expense.

Rules for Friends and Family

Most of us know the rules of etiquette governing table manners and social occasions such as marriage, birth, and death. Keep your elbows off the table, and do not comment on the baby’s cone shaped head or the unhealthy lifestyle choices of the deceased. But what do you do when you find out someone has lost a job?

If you have ever been involuntarily unemployed yourself, your understanding will be a source of comfort and companionship. If not:

Do offer your friend a big glass of wine.

Do not express any of the following platitudes:

• Everything happens for a reason.

• This is going to turn out to be the best thing that has ever happened to you.

• You should travel, go to law school, get your Ph.D., any other ridiculously expensive endeavor.

(Remember, your friend no longer has an income.)

Do not ask any of the following questions:

• What happened?

• Have you found a job yet?

• Are you looking?

Do not preface any of the above with "Not to rub salt in a wound…" If you really do not want to rub salt in a wound, then don’t.

Do feel free to express righteous indignation on your friend’s behalf.

Do offer your friend another big glass of wine.

Rules for the Newly Unemployed

You may have some things you want to say to your about-to-be-ex-boss. Don’t. You may think your feelings of betrayal are perfectly normal, justified, and to be expected. Your boss is not in the business of caring about your feelings, even if he or she is in the business of caring about other people’s feelings.

Do not listen to people who tell you to "be in the here and now" and "feel your feelings." No, thanks.

Some other time, maybe.

No matter what you hear your former employers have done or said about you after you are gone, do not contact them. Slander and fraud may be illegal, but calling people on breaches of ethics or employment law is gauche. That’s what attorneys are for.

People will be asking you a lot of questions. If you would rather not talk about it, simply reply, "I would rather not talk about it."

People will ask you a lot of questions, anyway. Take a deep breath. Remember, it is not polite to stab people with your fork, no matter how much they deserve it.

This is a good time to work on the house, take on new projects, see how bad daytime television really is, work out a lot, take better care of your skin, learn something new, and catch up on your reading. It is not a good time to lose weight. Try to set your expectations accordingly.

Nastrovya.